You build up hope, but failures all you've known

[promisebreaker]

Their townhouse was quiet, an abnormality for the Parkers. It seemed there was always a television going or a stereo or the sound of Peter and Bethel talking, laughing and teasing each other, but today it was quiet. Bethel had had another miscarriage the week before. She was fine; she hadn’t even gone to the hospital this time, but it had left a heavy coat of sadness over the townhouse and the occupants inside.

They’d been trying to get pregnant for what seemed like forever now. Bethel took fertility drugs; Peter wore boxer shorts and it seemed like they were constantly monitoring when she was ovulating and when she wasn’t. At least once a month sex turned into work and became a lot less fun than it used to be. Their next option was in vitiro and it was step they were both hesitant to take. A few days ago, Peter had done some of his own research using her blood and his. The results weren’t promising and he was dreading telling her, waiting until she was in a better mindset to mention it.

As it was, he could hardly stand watching her around the house. Her mourning permeated every inch of space. Her sadness overpowered the guilt Peter felt for his part in the whole thing. She was currently bundled up on the couch, reading a book, but he’d been covertly watching her for fifteen minutes and she hadn’t turned the page. Something had to change. He’d promised to make her happy and right now she was anything but. Peter vaulted silently over the rail of the stairs and landed on his feet, just as silently. He padded into the kitchen, grabbed a couple of bananas and padded over to the couch.

Peter straddled Bethel, a knee on each side of her hips. He kept one banana and handed the other to her, which she took with a look of puzzlement on her face.

“I’m not actually low on potassium, you know and we don’t have rum to make banana daiquiris so….” She pursed her lips, waiting for him to explain.

Peter, by way of explanation, put the tip of the banana to his ear so that it curved and the other tip came to his mouth. “Banana phone and yours is ringing.” Yes, he did proceed to make ringing noises.

Bethel snorted a little, rolled her eyes and mimicked Peter’s banana phone etiquette. “Hullo. Bethel Parker speaking.”

Her usual phone greeting got a grin out of Peter. “Mrs. Parker, this is Mr. Parker. I’ve got a proposition for you.”

Her brows drew together the slightest bit but smoothed out quickly as her lips curved up in a sort of flirty kind of grin. “Mr. Parker, I believe I’ve already been thoroughly propositioned by you.”

He laughed briefly and shook his head, lowering his ‘banana phone’ to lean over and press a kiss to her lips. It was a brief, light kiss that he didn’t draw away from. He rest his forehead against hers, his body curved over hers. “Go away with me. Somewhere. Anywhere you want. We’ll pack, go to the airport and pick a place off the departing board. We can stay for a couple of weeks, just you and me. No fertility drugs. No thermometers. No pregnancy tests. No Spiderman. Just Peter Parker and Bethel Parker.”

Comments

[globbernaughts]

The first miscarriage had almost destroyed her, she spent months afterwards spontaneously crying at her desk or in the car. Peter would come home and find it empty, only to find his wife at his aunt's house, sobbing in her arms. The second miscarriage was easier, though physically worse. By the third, she had promised herself she wouldn't get attached. It didn't work and once again, Bethel was left brokenhearted. She had stopped keeping track after that. Hoping late periods would stay late and hoping she wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night bloody, another set of sheets ruined, was simply too much for her.

The doctor's were dumbfounded. She was perfectly healthy, her eggs were healthy. She simply couldn't seem to carry a pregnancy even close to term. Part of her knew, that it had something to do with Peter's DNA, but to her it still felt like her own personal failure. Maybe if she were more maternal or less basically agnostic, maybe if she were a nicer person... Maybe.

She needed the distraction. And Peter and his stupid banana phone gave her the perfect one.

"Peter we..." She was about to say that they couldn't. They had work and they couldn't just leave Mae and Arthur to fend for themselves and she had meetings all week and she was pretty sure he had a proposal meeting with Harry coming up too. Not to mention Spiderman. There were all these reasons they couldn't go away, reasons they shouldn't go away.

In the end, Bethel ignored them all. "Okay. Okay, Mr Parker. Just me and you."

[promisebreaker]

He knew all of the reasons they shouldn't leave right now, well not the meeting with Harry, but all of the others. He knew his timing, logically, wasn't fantastic, but he also knew that they really needed a break right now. Peter was more concerned about Bethel and, by extension, himself than he was about the work commitments they had. Mae and Arthur would understand; in fact, he was betting they'd function really well without them around.

When she ignored all of those reasons why they shouldn't go, a smile spread across his face and he leaned in to kiss her again. "Come on. Let's go pack."

He'd tell her about his destroying dna later. Maybe in the car on the way over, maybe on the plane. Maybe he'd wait until they were at their destination.

[globbernaughts]

When Peter smiled, Bethel smiled as well, though hers was much smaller and more wan. Still, it was a smile and real ones seemed to be harder and harder to find coming from her. "Why don't you start packing and I'll start calling people to tell them we'll be away?"

Of course, she couldn't do anything with him on top of her so she settled for wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her forehead against his shoulder. She sighed a little, but being next to Peter always made her feel infinitely better and some of that sadness lifted. When he left it would come crashing down again, but for now it was lifted.

[promisebreaker]

He would take anything he could get these days. He hated that he was doing this to her. He hated that this part of their lives couldn't just be normal. At one point he'd wanted multiple kids, at least two, maybe four. Now he just wanted one baby: one healthy, normal baby.

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and nodded. "Okay. I can do that. We'll buy anything else we need when we get where we're going." He lingered there with her because he knew she was happier when he was around.

"I love you, Pretty Girl," he whispered before he did finally pull away from her. He would pack in record time so that he didn't have to be away from her. For some couples, something like this tore them apart. For Peter and Bethel, it had made them even more co-dependent.

There was a part of him that was afraid that would change when her told her why she kept miscarrying.

[globbernaughts]

"I love you too, stupid."

As Peter went to pack, she drifted slowly to the kitchen to grab her phone, perching on a stool for a minute. She was happier when he was around. She hated to go to work because she had to spend eight hours not with him. She didn't even care that they were possibly unhealthily co-dependent. Peter knew what she was going through, enough that she didn't have to talk to him to get her feelings out. He was her best friend.

God, she wanted a child so badly and she knew he did too, but was just incapable of giving that to him. Part of her did know, that it was probably a one in a million chance. She knew, but what could she say? Peter would blame himself for something he had no control over.

After a moment she left the kitchen and went up the stairs, walking straight into their bedroom. She didn't say a word, just threw her arms around Peter's neck, burying her face against his shoulder, crying.

[promisebreaker]

Not being able to control the reasons they couldn't have a baby didn't lessen Peter's guilt. Logically he knew that it wasn't any different from any other guy who couldn't have children for some reason or another, perhaps more brutal, but no different. He hated it and emotionally, he didn't understand it. There wasn't a part of him that didn't love Bethel and yet his very makeup was attacking hers viciously. It hurt and confused and worried him. It made him feel guilty and angry without any outlet for any of that anger. Bethel cried and Peter was particularly vicious to the criminals of New York City. He never actually hurt or killed any of them, but he'd let them drop an awfully long way before he caught them or he'd let them dangle from an astounding height that would take firemen hours to get them down. He bounced them like yo-yos, wrapped them too tight to be comfortable and in general, acted more like a bully than usual. He knew it wasn't acceptable or right, but he was coping the best way he knew how because he had to go home and be strong and happy and okay for Bethel.

He was zipping up the suitcase when she walked in, the ghost of a smile on his face as if he were waiting to gauge her mood before he really smiled. When she collapsed into tears he went into protective mode, scooping her up in his arms and sitting down on the bed with her in his lap. He whispered to her, nonsense mostly, running his fingers through her hair and kissing the top of her head.

"It's not your fault, PG." Apparently this was the time to tell her. She was already in tears so it couldn't get much worse. "The blood I took last week. My DNA...it's trying to assimilate with yours, but it's not working. It's doing the same thing that happens to human DNA and animal DNA in all the work I did on my dissertation. It's just...destroying yours. I'm sorry."

He'd known this was a possibility, even if he hadn't told her. He'd been doing research on cross-species genetics since he was sixteen. He'd tried to continue Dr. Conners work in a more successful way. Out of thousands of experiments and trials, one strand of DNA always killed the other.

[globbernaughts]

Bethel didn't care about the science, though since Peter had been studying the same thing for so many years she understood the science, but she didn't care. It didn't make it any easier or harder, especially because deep down she already knew. Peter was one in a million, Dr Conners had failed most spectacularly, it wasn't as if their efforts to have a baby were going to fail any less spectacularly. Hearing Peter say it for sure also didn't make her feel any more or less guilty that she couldn't just stay pregnant.

But Peter's guilt did manage to put her out of her own some. She pushed back slightly, shaking her head and holding his face in her hands. "Peter Parker, don't you apologize for that. It's not your fault and it's like apologizing for who you are. I love who you are, strange DNA and all. Don't, just don't." She paused, struggling to push back tears that were threatening to fall again. "You're one and a million, our baby will be too."

Even if it meant they had to keep trying and failing.

With her hands still on either side of his face, she leaned forward to kiss him, pouring all of her love into that kiss. She hated that he felt guilty, hated that they both blamed themselves for something they couldn't change, and hated that she knew, she just knew, that they would bear that guilt until something changed. So maybe they could share it for now and ease both their burdens.

[promisebreaker]

Though Peter was aware that Bethel understood the science behind what he was doing--she'd read enough of his papers in college and listened to him ramble on about it over the years--it never occurred to him that she might have already figured out what was happening and why she kept miscarrying. He just didn't want her to take on a burden that wasn't hers to bear: the reasons for her miscarriages. He also wanted her to know so she'd be fully informed and if she wanted to stop trying to get pregnant because of it, he would understand.

He didn't want to make her cry anymore, no did he want to piss her off and he hadn't thought about his guilty edging hers out and giving her a chance to surface from it. That was an unexpected, good benefit.

At first, Peter didn't respond to the kiss because it was unexpected and he was a bit surprised as well as overwhelmed by her ability to love him in spite of everything else. When he did respond, it was a reflection of her kiss, overflowing with love and gratitude for who she was and what they had.

[globbernaughts]

Bethel was content to drown in that kiss. It shoved aside every horrible thing that had happened to them -- and over the years they had many, always beaten back by something better -- and pinpointed her entire perspective into this one moment. If she had nothing else in the world, she had Peter and that was enough.

When she pulled back her eyes were still damp, but clear and bright, optimism that had long since vanished returning slowly. Maybe she needed that reminder, that she could be happy with just Peter.

Sure, she wanted kids, but not everyone was meant to have kids. Mae and Ben hadn't had kids and they were happy, Bethel and Peter would find the same happiness somehow.

"If I wasn't already your wife, this would be the time I said I want to marry you."

[promisebreaker]

Peter wanted kids as well. It wasn't something he'd always wanted, but with Bethel it had become something he wanted very much. However, he felt much the same way. As long as he had Bethel, he would be happy. Kids were an added happiness to an already overflowing cup.

He smiled at her words, reaching up to trail his fingertips along the line of her jaw. "We could do that too, you know. During this trip. We could get married again. Just us and a beach this time."